Like a high a school romance he slips me a note ‘damn girl’ with a heart faced emoji(terrible drawing-but it has me blushing). Now I know he wants it, I know, I want it too because the feels involved are not of this world. That shed a tear from your soul kinda feel. Nah! It’s not of this world. The passion is intense yet euphoric, I can taste him even as I put these words down. He looks into my eyes, saying ‘I love you’ and without saying a word I respond, ‘I Love you too’. A kiss so honest you can’t begin to imagine a life without that honesty. Me before you.
I smile and giggle for no reason because in that moment I am happy. I look at him and the memories flash through my mind. The love making, the fucking*giggles*, the security in a cuddle, the awkward shows that say what we should be saying to each other(i laugh and giggle because its always awkward, like universe, really! you couldn’t sit this one out! No!:) lmao). It’s the prayers to Allah(God), It’s the little bit of hope that one day In Sha Allah he will stop running and see that I am not going anywhere if he isn’t! Because what’s the point if you are only going to give a little bit but want it all? RIGHT?!? It’s the understanding even in silence(he has no idea how much I love that!), the warmth in a hug and a kiss. It feels so right, its wrong. Like you know if this person broke your heart that would be the end of you… Or Allah(God) forbid they died before you… The chest pains in just the thought….*heh-okay*. Me before you.
The rubber band effect. The moment we get a little bit closer to our souls touching just the tip emotionally, just when it starts to feel too good, the rubber band is let go. He let’s go! OUCH*MY CHEST!-heh* Searching for it because now, I can’t find it. I can’t find him….. This always breaks my heart because it usually leaves invitation for others to fill in the space. If he is not sharing his dreams, his day: the good days, the bad days and the okay days with me, then who? I want to know when he is hurting so I can tell him “its a fucked up situation and there is nothing he can do” or “It’s going to be fine!” if it actually will be, Or not say anything but listen because really what can I do, but listen. Doesn’t he want to know if my dreams fit his? Though, it’s funny how I pick up on things I just wish he could actually come out and say them… My Adonis. LOL he always says I ask too many questions….lol-I know… I ask questions because I want to know what he is thinking, what’s going on, is he ok! if he has eaten because I WANT TO KNOW!!!… I mean, how can you love someone and not know how their day has been? Sometimes we take chances because that’s all we can do. We do it by having a bit of faith. Allah(God) is LOVE, our belief in him is based on faith. He made man in his own image, remember! Therefore we will always look for love. I don’t know if he realises this but I too am scared. I feel it too. Like I know how bad the hurt would be if it didn’t work. No matter who he or I ended up with it wouldn’t be the same(well i don’t think it would-hmmm..). Drawn like magnets *lol-dies*. Oh how my heart wants a lil bit more… But then the rubber band effect. Chest Pains. Me before you.
Here I stand. We very similar yet so different I love it. I just wish we could fill in the missing piece(s). I see the scars the passed have left behind(you can trace them with a pencil). I’d like to believe my hearts intentions are pure. I don’t ask Allah(God), I tell him. I tell him to protect him and guide his path to success so he may have all his hearts desires-happiness because asking leaves room for NO! I want him to be happy with or without me, but I would LOVE if it were me, of course. Only Allah(God) knows how this end’s but he also knows the desires of my heart so, In Sha Allah. Anyway, I stand here trying, but he pulls away, yet here I stand. Seeing other guys offer me a chair so I can rest my legs, bringing me water cos I must be dehydrated from all this standing. “You must be hungry…” said the gentleman standing behind the guy with the fancy car and foot massage vouchers. I see them but I can’t be bothered. I know what I am standing for, I know how beautiful it can be, I’ve tasted it, I know he has too but the rubber band effect… it blocks us from moving forward. If he broke my heart or Allah(God) forbid died!(eeeeh my chest!!! ouch, ouch, ouch…) I feel like my world would never be the same but here I am ready to risk it all..LOL because honestly, you just never know and besides life is too short!! RIGHT!!!???!! (smh-I know, I know….but seriously, then what’s the point? Life is about risks/chances..RIGHT???? mmmm….). Okay. Here I am. Me before you.
A lil bit more. With fears on both sides of the coin this feels like Russian roulette. Conversations with ex’s, no phone calls, texts, no check ups, no problems or dreams shared(lol…okay not that its not there, its just not enough for where we are-or am i the only one here?…LOL esh these things..). The little effort made is appreciated but when its not enough it creates a space. Our biggest obstacle. I know he loves me, I know he knows I love him too but we have such a distance and it just needs a bit more of a push… A lil bit more trust and faith. I want inside jokes(not that we can’t have them we have okay senses of humour-right baby?:)) I want to touch the scars left behind, so I can heal them with a kiss of loyalty, trust, laughter, faithfulness, randomness, happiness, progress, healing… I read a picture quote that said “People always choose the wrong person first, and when the right person arrives they stop trusting people”. Has he stopped trusting people? When people hurt people, the one who actually gets hurt is the blind one. New on the scene just trying. That’s the one who’s heart breaks more because all they can do is try but the damage left behind by ones before…. People really need to stop playing games with people. Like how did we get here? take me back to 2002 when 100 meant something. Lord knows I am trying and these chairs and glasses of water are starting to form in the mirage ahead. I don’t want to tell anyone else about plans or my day… It’s him I want to call for the most random of things because he is my guy. Just a lil bit more… Like would it be so bad? Am I difficult to talk too? I don’t know… “Talk to him” they say but “talking” is very hard ka! Like you have to be ready for anything!!!!!!…*lol*.. the fuckery behind it!…esh*dead-chest pains**hummms jidenna ‘A lil bit more’… Me before you.
Karma. All we can do is try? RIGHT? After all we both know there is something here. If not we should just allow each other to be miserably happy else where. Why tell someone you love them and not be in it for real. It’s all or nothing… I mean we love Allah(God) and tell him everything… When we are wrong we ask him for forgiveness. If you have hurt someone ask them for forgiveness. We were made in his image therefore, we love. We try and get into meaningful relationships but unfortunately not everything works out. Picking ourselves up we try again! And again! And again! until we can’t do it anymore. Hurting people along the way never asking them for their forgiveness. Seems more like a curse. How can you not apologise to that which Allah(God) has created in his image? You hurt the person next to you, moved on with your life without a heartfelt apology! And you expect love to find you! or just fall on your lap? Sometimes we go through so much heart break because universe, karma…what! what! I know I haven’t paid my dues but I always genuinely wish my ex’s well and that’s that. So, ummm universe! like can I catch break! and just enjoy what this could be… without the ex’s, the randoms, human interest-gossip and all that noise and just be us… Just enjoy the time we spend together and make memories… Because I love the butterflies I get, the fact that I can’t stop smiling and giggling when he is around or as I approach his apartment, worrying and wondering if he is okay, the threesomes with Mary Jane… Gosh this nigga…his mind! He is so smart, he makes me chuckle. I know it wont be easy, we both scared so(me) braver than others LOL…. But we only LIVE once why waste an opportunity to LOVE and LAUGH… But maybe for all the hearts I have broken this is my punishment.
An ex once said to me that I was the thin line in his life between being truly loved and truly being in love. I never understood it, but I do now. Me before you.